covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
no, he came in my armpit
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
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