Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
ttyl tear gas
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
