i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
