I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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