Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
