I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
