The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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