What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize