I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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