worst night to have a conscience
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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