and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Who died my cat blue again?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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