apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
