It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
