Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize