I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
