Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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