Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
