I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
