i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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