Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
