i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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