I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
