i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
