I'm so fucking centered right now
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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