I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
