I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
