last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Enjoy the penises
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
