based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
