My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
