worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
