is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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