Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
