so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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