when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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