I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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