No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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