the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
