# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
