she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
