Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
