Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Randomize
