dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
