I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
