i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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