Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
