I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
