I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
