Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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