Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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