my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
