You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
