she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
