I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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