She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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