Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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