She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
