What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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