i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
