I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
