Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
