Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize